Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 1

I was reading my daily Townhall.com offering and Jonah Goldberg's column this week had a few of these interesting tidbits about Fred Thompson. So, I went to the link Jonah provided (http://www.imao.us/) and became totally immersed in Frank J.'s blog.

Being a Fred supporter myself, I asked Frank J. if I could copy his daily Fred fact to my blog and he kindly said yes, as long as I gave appropriate credit. His Fred Thompson Archives page is here.

Enjoy Frank J.'s wit and humor and I'll be updating as we go along. Thanks Frank J.! Oh, all emphasis is mine, not Frank J.'s.

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One lazy afternoon, Fred Thompson felt like whittling. The result: Mount Rushmore.



Many claim that support for Fred Thompson is only because he acted like a gruff DA on TV. In reality, though, gruff DAs are all trying to act like Fred Thompson.

With Fred Thompson departing from Law & Order, it's now being renamed The Cops and Lawyers Fun Hour.

They say that after a nuclear blast, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and Fred Thompson... except that Fred Thompson doesn't like cockroaches. So the only thing that will survive will be Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson has never considered anything a monkey has done to be funny. Even those with roller skates on.

Fred Thompson honors the fallen on Memorial Day by setting fire to hippies. Burn long and hard in their remembrance, you filthy hippies.

The grass is always greener on Fred Thompson's lawn. Always.



Fred Thompson has enough strength to throw Rosie O'Donnell ten feet.

Fred Thompson has a cameo appearance in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He plays the force of nature.

In a Fred Thompson administration, there will always be room to disagree with him. That room is called the morgue.

In the series Law & Order, Fred Thompson plays the title character.

Fred Thompson is immune to fire, bullets, and your sarcasm.

In times of trouble, Fred Thompson activates the secret gamma accelerator hidden in his watch, powers up and transforms into... Fred Thompson.

Usually for a bill to become a law, it has to be passed by the House and the Senate and signed by the President, but once Fred Thompson made a bill into law by saying, "This bill is now the law" and punched Bill Clinton in the nads.

When Fred Thompson had to watch Sleepless in Seattle with his wife, somehow that version had ninja attacks, gun fights, and explosions. He still thought it was gay.

The chupacabra is in fact the physical manifestation of Fred Thompson's anger over illegal immigration. If Mexicans don't want their goats sucked dry of blood, they better respect our border.

Fred Thompson was originally considered for the lead to 24, but then the producers realized that, with how long it takes Fred Thompson to solve any national crisis, they'd have to rename the series 0.2.

Unbeknownst to Michael Moore, a documentary was made of the last time Fred Thompson debated a liberal blow hard. It was called Faces of Death.

There's a UN council that focuses on finding ways to protect countries from the wrath of Fred Thompson. Their solution: Nuke selves.

When Fred Thompson throws a cat, it always lands on its head.

Fred Thompson not only doesn't add cream or sugar to his coffee, he doesn't add water.

Rumor has it that Tom Bombadil is in fact an early Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson has never been confused by anything that has happened on Lost.

Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions solved problems like Maria.

Fred Thompson understands women.

Fred Thompson kills at least one terrorist every day before he even has his first cup of coffee. You don't want to be the terrorist he kills before he gets his first cup of coffee.

Fred Thompson can pat his head, rub his belly, and kill you all at the same time.

If all the computers in the world worked together, it would still take them six quintillion years to calculate exactly how awesome Fred Thompson is. In fact, computers will never be able to calculate that since Fred Thompson's awesomeness increases faster than Moore's Law.

Fred Thompson's response to the debate question "What do you dislike most about America?" would be to rip off Chris Matthew's head and shove it up his ass.

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By popular demand, I've made a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt over at the IMAO Store. It has a Fred Thompson for President logo on the front and these facts on the back:

* Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.

* Physicists say nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nukes? Fear of Fred Thompson.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Every night, Osama checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson is a prime number.

* Actual cause of global warming? Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* Fred Thompson appears human size because he is actually standing a million miles away.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

Maybe later I'll make some stickers and magnets with individual Fred Thompson facts. If there are some facts you like that I didn't include, put them in the comments.

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Fred Thompson can win any presidential debate by answering "I'm Fred Thompson" to every question.

Fred Thompson's favorite color is the blood of his enemies.

Fred Thompson's favorite book is a battered copy of The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress which he used to beat a hippy to death with.

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Unverfied Fred Thompson Facts

People have been e-mailing me Fred Thompson facts even though I've never made a claim to be the repository of Fred Thompson knowledge. I'd thought I'd share them with you, though I must warn you that these facts have not been triple verified like all the other Fred Thompson facts I've told you. Thus there is the possibility they are false and Fred Thompson will kill us all for reading them.

UNVERIFIED FRED THOMPSON FACTS:

* Fred Thompson never has to stop at a traffic light because of a Homeland Security directive requiring all lights to turn green whenever he approaches.

* Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.

* Rosie O'Donnell insulted Fred Thompson so he morphed her into a reasonable, intelligent human being. Afterthat she joined the Republican Party, took Simon Cowell for a lover and replaced Michelle Malkin as a contributor on Bill O'Reilly show.

* Does a bear @#$% in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.

* When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.

I'm starting to think some things said about Fred Thompson are actually urban legends.

* When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross's entire quota for 6 months.

* Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis - micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.

* Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.

* Fred Thompson's carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.

* Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.

* Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson's hot tub.

* There are only 2 things in life that are certain - Death and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.

* Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.

* Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.

* If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.

* Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.

* The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson's playground history.

* Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.

* Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.

* Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.

* Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ……. with his foot.

* Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.

* Fred Thompson's steely glare will soften steel.

* Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.

* Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.

* Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.

* When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.

* Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.

* Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutoutposter.

* A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.

* Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."

BTW, here's an editorial by Fred Thompson at National Review on how America doesn't care what others think of us.

If you have any new facts about Fred Thompson, put them in the comments... but try to verify your facts first.

Marvel Comics has an upcoming event to chronicle the Fred Thompson campaign entitled "World War Hulk."

In an election, it costs ten dollars to vote for Fred Thompson since voting for him is a privilege, not a right.

You can safely view Fred Thompson using a shoe box with a pin-sized hole in one end.

To save tax money, for a while Tennessee reduced it's police force to just Fred Thompson armed with a claw hammer. During that time, there was no crime in Tennessee or any contiguous state.
In the presence of Fred Thompson, terrorists prematurely explode... even if they don't have explosives strapped to them.

Fred Thompson's wit is so sharp that it can split apart atoms.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Fred Thompson appears out of nowhere and beats the crap out of both of them.

What would prove that the United States of America is the greatest nation to ever have existed? If Fred Thompson decides we're worthy enough to have him as our leader.

New plan for future space launches: Have Fred Thompson stand by the launch pad and glare angrily at the rocket so it will reach escape velocity out of necessity.

Fred Thompson's firearm collection is so awesome that it's illegal in all fifty states and received a condemnation from the U.N.

The temperature of Fred Thompson's icy gaze is negative twenty degrees kelvin.

Fred Thompson plans to make it an allowable interrogation technique to rip out a terrorists spine and beat him with it.

Why does Dr. Gregory House need a cane to walk? Because he once cut Fred Thompson off in traffic.

Fred Thompson can shoot beams out of his eyes so hot they can burn through Superman.

The original ending to "In the Line of Fire" had Fred Thompson stand between the assassin and the president and deflect the bullet off his chest. This was deemed to unrealistic, though, since no one would ever have the courage to pull the trigger on Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson is a prime number.

Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.

When Fred Thompson found out a Senator had added pork to a bill, Fred Thompson ripped off the man's leg and beat him with it. The leg was later returned to the Senator as part of a bi-partisan compromise.

The U.S. Military once created a Fred Thompson submachine gun. They were unable to use it since firing it on the battlefield violated every single article of the Geneva Conventions (and common sense).

Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why is God crying? Because Fred Thompson punched Him in the arm.

Unlike fire, Fred Thompson can melt steel.

If you took Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Optimus Prime, a .50 caliber Desert Eagle, a samurai sword, nachos, the lobby scene from the move Matrix, the computer game Doom, and a DVD set of the complete A-Team series and somehow took all their awesomeness and compressed into one thing, you'd still only have something half as awesome as what Fred Thompson flushes down the toilet after taking a crap.

Fred Thompson washes down his morning steak and eggs with a big mug of jet fuel.

Polls show that, in a presidential race between Hillary Clinton and Fred Thompson, the result would be that Hillary would vomit up her own heart and die.

The myth about the twelve labors of Hercules is loosely based on Fred Thompson's Boy Scout career.

Fred Thompson can kill you just by thinking about you. Luckily, you're far too insignificant for him to think about.

Physicists say that nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson appears human sized because he is actually standing a million miles away.

According to Sura 8 verse 65 of the Koran, Allah told the Prophet Muhammad, "O Prophet! Urge the believers to war; if there are twenty patient ones of you they shall overcome two hundred, and if there are a hundred of you they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve... but if you're up against Fred Thompson, you're totally screwed and I can't help you."

Inexplicably, Fred Thompson receives a copy of tomorrow's newspaper at his doorstep every morning. He uses it to wrap fish since Fred Thompson doesn't care about either today's or tomorrow's liberal slant on the news.

A short but accurate biography of Fred Thompson can be found in Jane's Tank & Combat Vehicle Recognition Guide.

While he is opposed to gay marriage, Fred Thompson is very compassionate towards gays since, in comparison to him, every man is a flaming homosexual.

It's sounding more and more likely that Fred Thompson will run for the Republican nomination for President. Can he win, though, when it's well known that his penchant for bureaucracy nearly kept Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood from getting the job done against terrorists and assassins?

I think he can.

Actually, the more I find out about Fred Thompson, the more I think he needs to be President. And I mean he should be President right now, like Dick Cheney should resign, President Bush should then appoint Fred Thompson to be Vice-President, and then President Bush should resign.

You might think I'm going overboard when I've only just started to learn about Fred Thompson, but you won't when you read this:

AWESOME FACTS ABOUT FRED THOMPSON

* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

He's Fred Thompson. You're nothing.

* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.

* The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.

* The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.

* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.

* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.

* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.

* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.

* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.

* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"

* Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.

* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."

Sphere: Related Content

First the Ft. Dix Six; Now the NY Four

From Michelle Malkin regarding the above wanted poster:

The jihadi suspects who are accused of plotting to blow up jet fuel tanks and pipelines at JFK airport: Russell Defreitas, Abdul Nur, Kareem Ibrihim and Abdul Kadir. Roots in Trinidad and Guyana. (Background on al Qaeda's inroads in the Caribbean here and at LGF.) And a possible tie to an al Qaeda fugitive I've blogged plenty about: Adnan Shukrijumah...

Gee...IT'S such a nice looking young muslim, doesn't look at all dangerous, does IT? YEAH RIGHT! GET A CLUE PEOPLE!

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Here's the AP Story:

Jun 2, 11:40 PM (ET)
By ADAM GOLDMAN

NEW YORK (AP) - Federal authorities announced Saturday they had broken up a suspected Muslim terrorist cell planning a "chilling" attack to destroy John F. Kennedy International Airport, kill thousands of people and trigger an economic catastrophe by blowing up a jet fuel artery that runs through populous residential neighborhoods.

Three men, one of them a former member of Guyana's parliament, were arrested and one was being sought in Trinidad as part of a plot that authorities said they had been tracked for more than a year and was foiled in the planning stages.

"The devastation that would be caused had this plot succeeded is just unthinkable," U.S. Attorney Roslynn R. Mauskopf said at a news conference, calling it "one of the most chilling plots imaginable."

In an indictment charging the four men, one of them is quoted as saying the foiled plot would "cause greater destruction than in the Sept. 11 attacks," destroying the airport, killing several thousand people and destroying parts of New York's borough of Queens, where the line runs underground.

One of the suspects, Russell Defreitas, a U.S. citizen native to Guyana and former JFK air cargo employee, said the airport named for the slain president was targeted because it is a symbol that would put "the whole country in mourning."

"It's like you can kill the man twice," said Defreitas, 63, who first hatched his plan more than a decade ago when he worked as a cargo handler for a service company, according to the indictment.

Authorities said the men were motivated by hatred toward the U.S., Israel and the West. Defreitas was recorded saying he "wanted to do something to get those bastards" and he boasted that he had been taught to make bombs in Guyana.

Despite their efforts, the men never obtained any explosives, authorities said.

"Pulling off any bombing of this magnitude would not be easy in today's environment," former U.S. State Department counterterrorism expert Fred Burton said, but added it was difficult to determine without knowing all the facts of the case.

Richard Kuprewicz, a pipeline expert and president of Accufacts Inc., an energy consulting firm that focuses on pipelines and tank farms, said the force of explosion would depend on the amount of fuel under pressure, but it would not travel up and down the line.

"That doesn't mean wackos out there can't do damage and cause a fire, but those explosions and fires are going to be fairly restricted," he said.

Since Defreitas retired from his job at the airport, security has significantly tightened and his knowledge of the operation was severely outdated.

He was arraigned Saturday in federal court in Brooklyn, where he was held pending a bail hearing Wednesday. His court-appointed lawyer told the judge that officials were not revealing the full story, according to reports.

Two other men, Abdul Kadir of Guyana and Kareem Ibrahim of Trinidad, were in custody in Trinidad. A fourth man, Abdel Nur of Guyana, was still being sought in Trinidad.

Trevor Paul, the top police official in Trinidad and Tobago, a twin-island nation off Venezuela's coast, said Kadir and Ibrahim would likely be extradited to the U.S. after court hearings in Trinidad.

Authorities said Kadir and Nur were longtime associates of a Trinidadian radical Muslim group, Jamaat al Muslimeen, which launched an unsuccessful rebellion in 1990 that left 24 dead.

Phone calls to Yasin Abu Bakr, the radical group's leader, went unanswered Saturday.

Kadir, a former member of Parliament in Guyana, was arrested in Trinidad for attempting to secure money for "terrorist operations," according to a Guyanese police commander who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Kadir left his position in Parliament last year. Muslims make up about 9 percent of the former Dutch and British colony's 770,000 population, mostly from the Sunni sect.

Isha Kadir, the Guyanese suspect's wife, said her husband flew from Guyana to Trinidad on Thursday. She said he was arrested Friday as he was boarding a flight from Trinidad to Venezuela, where he planned to pick up a travel visa to attend an Islamic religious conference in Iran.

"We have no interest in blowing up anything in the U.S.," she said Saturday from the couple's home in Guyana. "We have relatives in the U.S."

The U.S. Joint Terrorism Task Force recorded and surveilled the men, learning that Defreitas drove around and videotaped JFK on four occasions this past January.

When Defreitas returned from Guyana in February, U.S. customs officials searched his belongings and found Kadir's name and telephone number in Defreitas' address book. At that time, Defreitas told an informant he was suspicious the U.S. government was aware of the plot.

Authorities finally pounced after Defreitas said on May 27 that he was happy to see that the plan, code named "chicken farm," was moving forward, according to the criminal complaint.

The pipeline, owned by Buckeye Pipeline Co., takes fuel from a facility in Linden, N.J., to the airport. Other lines service LaGuardia Airport and Newark Liberty International Airport.

Buckeye spokesman Roy Haase said the company, which moves petroleum through pipelines in a number of states, had been informed of the threat from the beginning but he declined to detail the company's security measures.

"Given the nature of Buckeye business and the importance of this transportation network, we have an intense and ongoing communications relationship with the Port Authority, the New York City fire and police departments, the federal Department of Homeland Security and the FBI," he said. Buckeye is a subsidiary of Buckeye Partners, L.P. based in Macungie, Pa.

JFK and the area's other airports remained at a heightened state of alert Saturday, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey said.

Jeanie Mamo, a spokeswoman for the White House, said President Bush had been briefed and updated regularly as the investigation into the plot progressed.

"This case is a good example of international counterterrorism cooperation," Mamo said.

The arrests mark the latest in a series of alleged homegrown terrorism plots targeting high-profile American landmarks.

A year ago, seven men were arrested in what officials called the early stages of a plot to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago and destroy FBI offices and other buildings.

A month later, authorities broke up a plot to bomb underwater New York City train tunnels to flood lower Manhattan.

And six people were arrested a month ago in an alleged plot to unleash a bloody rampage on Fort Dix in New Jersey.
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Associated Press writers Tom Hays, Richard Pyle and Pat Milton in New York and Tony Fraser in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, contributed to this report.

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Michelle Malkin also has more information at the above referenced link, in particular a video from June 7, 2006 here. I LOVE her phrasing: It's the jihad, stupid!

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Michelle also has an updated criminal complaint:

Update: Courtesy of Robert Nardoza at the United States Attorney's Office in the
Eastern District of New York, I've received the 33-page criminal complaint.
We've posted the whole thing at Hot Air (scroll down at HA for PDF link). A few
excerpts:

The excerpts are on her page here.

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For all of the idiots that think we don't need to secure our border, what will it take to wake your asses up? And, why are men in the age group of 16-24 (gang members) and 12-31 (jihadis) from terror interest countries being allowed the same benign designation as illegal immigrants that are actually here to provide a better life for their families?

Are y'all stupid, dumb, obtuse, think we can talk to these animals, kumbaya and all that bullshit or all of the above? Wake up and get a damn clue!

Sphere: Related Content

Know Thine Enemy-Part 6

Know Thine Enemy

[Sixth in a series.]

Misogyny

The first five articles concentrated on the most significant issues: the doctrines which make Islam an existential threat. Now we'll explore another issue that needs to be recognized because of the consequences it holds for conquered populations. You have wondered why many Islamic women wear the Burkha. You may come to regret that curiosity.

• 2:223. Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth , when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allâh to bestow upon you pious offspring) before you for your ownselves. And fear Allâh, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad).

Do you remember the old joke: "what did the cornfield say to the tractor?"? The punch line runs close to this ayeh. I Bowdlerized this quote by deleting the parenthetical notes because they use explicit terms which might offend some readers. The quote is linked to the Hilali & Kahn translation, click it if you want to read the whole thing. Ibn Kathir's explanation of the ayeh expands on the deleted notes, and is even more explicit. Don't say I didn't warn you! The Reason behind revealing Allah's Statement: "Your Wives are a Tilth for You.

Look past the reproductive aspect for a moment. 2:223 makes equates one's wives with fields to be plowed & planted. To Allah, your wives are chattel property.

• 4:34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill­conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.

Men are superior. Men support and protect their wives. And men have explicit permission to beat them.

• 4:24. Also (forbidden are) women already married, except those (captives and slaves) whom your right hands possess. Thus has Allâh ordained for you. All others are lawful, provided you seek (them in marriage) with Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) from your property, desiring chastity, not committing illegal sexual intercourse, so with those of whom you have enjoyed sexual relations, give them their Mahr as prescribed; but if after a Mahr is prescribed, you agree mutually (to give more), there is no sin on you. Surely, Allâh is Ever All­Knowing, AllWise.

• 33:50. O Prophet (Muhammad)! Verily, We have made lawful to you your wives, to whom you have paid their Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), and those (captives or slaves) whom your right hand possesses - whom Allâh has given to you, and the daughters of your 'Amm (paternal uncles) and the daughters of your 'Ammah (paternal aunts) and the daughters of your Khâl (maternal uncles) and the daughters of your Khâlah (maternal aunts) who migrated (from Makkah) with you, and a believing woman if she offers herself to the Prophet, and the Prophet wishes to marry her; a privilege for you only, not for the (rest of) the believers. Indeed We know what We have enjoined upon them about their wives and those (captives or slaves) whom their right hands possess, - in order that there should be no difficulty on you. And Allâh is Ever Oft­Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Did that sink in yet? The widows & daughters of the men killed by Muslims are available for sexual exploitation.

• Muslim Book 008, Number 3371:

  Abu Sirma said to Abu Sa'id al Khadri (Allah he pleased with him): 0 Abu Sa'id, did you hear Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) mentioning al-'azl? He said: Yes, and added: We went out with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) on the expedition to the Bi'l-Mustaliq and took captive some excellent Arab women; and we desired them, for we were suffering from the absence of our wives, (but at the same time) we also desired ransom for them. So we decided to ****** with them but by observing 'azl (Withdrawing the ***** to avoid-conception). But we said: We are doing an act whereas Allah's Messenger is amongst us; why not ask him? So we asked Allah's Mes- senger (may peace be upon him), and he said: It does not matter if you do not do it, for every soul that is to be born up to the Day of Resurrection will be born.

I Bowderlized this hadith because of explicit expressions used. If you need to see them, click the link. Muhammad explicitly gave his companions permission to rape captive women. Use them & sell them as new. Let this sink in for a while.

• 24:31. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like palms of hands or one eye or both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer dress like veil, gloves, head-cover, apron, etc.), and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms, etc.) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islâm), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful.

• Volume 1, Book 4, Number 148:

Narrated 'Aisha:

The wives of the Prophet used to go to Al-Manasi, a vast open place (near Baqia at Medina) to answer the call of nature at night. 'Umar used to say to the Prophet "Let your wives be veiled," but Allah's Apostle did not do so. One night Sauda bint Zam'a the wife of the Prophet went out at 'Isha' time and she was a tall lady. 'Umar addressed her and said, "I have recognized you, O Sauda." He said so, as he desired eagerly that the verses of Al-Hijab (the observing of veils by the Muslim women) may be revealed. So Allah revealed the verses of "Al-Hijab" (A complete body cover excluding the eyes).

{Word to the wise: derive knowledge concerning Islamic scripture from the sentence in red!!}

• Volume 1, Book 4, Number 149:

  Narrated 'Aisha:

  The Prophet said to his wives, "You are allowed to go out to answer the call of nature. "

• Volume 1, Book 6, Number 321:

  Narrated Aiyub:

  Hafsa said, 'We used to forbid our young women to go out for the two 'Id prayers. A woman came and stayed at the palace of Bani Khalaf and she narrated about her sister whose husband took part in twelve holy battles along with the Prophet and her sister was with her husband in six (out of these twelve). She (the woman's sister) said, "We used to treat the wounded, look after the patients and once I asked the Prophet, 'Is there any harm for any of us to stay at home if she doesn't have a veil?' He said, 'She should cover herself with the veil of her companion and should participate in the good deeds and in the religious gathering of the Muslims.' When Um 'Atiya came I asked her whether she had heard it from the Prophet. She replied, "Yes. May my father be sacrificed for him (the Prophet)! (Whenever she mentioned the Prophet she used to say, 'May my father be sacrificed for him) I have heard the Prophet saying, 'The unmarried young virgins and the mature girl who stay often screened or the young unmarried virgins who often stay screened and the menstruating women should come out and participate in the good deeds as well as the religious gathering of the faithful believers but the menstruating women should keep away from the Musalla (praying place).' " Hafsa asked Um 'Atiya surprisingly, "Do you say the menstruating women?" She replied, "Doesn't a menstruating woman attend 'Arafat (Hajj) and such and such (other deeds)?"

Now you know why Muslim women must be veilled. But there are more ahadith which reveal misogyny.

• Volume 2, Book 18, Number 161 ...The Prophet replied, "I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the Hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?" The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allah. The Prophet said, "They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I have never had any good from you.' "

So women will be the majority in the fire because they are ungrateful. What of men's excelling over them in this life?

• 4:11. Allâh commands you as regards your children's (inheritance); to the male, a portion equal to that of two females;



• 2:282. O you who believe! When you contract a debt for a fixed period, write it down. Let a scribe write it down in justice between you. Let not the scribe refuse to write as Allâh has taught him, so let him write. Let him (the debtor) who incurs the liability dictate, and he must fear Allâh, his Lord, and diminish not anything of what he owes. But if the debtor is of poor understanding, or weak, or is unable himself to dictate, then let his guardian dictate in justice. And get two witnesses out of your own men. And if there are not two men (available), then a man and two women, such as you agree for witnesses, so that if one of them (two women) errs, the other can remind her. ...

So, a woman inherits half as much as her brother, and her testimony carries only half the weight of his. Did you know that "women are deficient"?

• Volume 1, Book 6, Number 301:

  Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:

  Once Allah's Apostle went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) o 'Id-al-Adha or Al-Fitr prayer. Then he passed by the women and said, "O women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women)." They asked, "Why is it so, O Allah's Apostle ?" He replied, "You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you." The women asked, "O Allah's Apostle! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?" He said, "Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?" They replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?" The women replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her religion."

There you have it, ladies. Muhammad says that you are chattel property (a field to be plowed), can be beaten if rebellious, must be concealed, get the short end of the stick economically, and are deficient in intelligence and religion. Does this make you want to revert and find a harem to join?
BCP

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Dune: Of Leaders, Islam, Finite Resources and al gore

Yes, Miss Beth is a sci-fi geek. And, I'm at it again with more comparisons.

I've been hooked on Dune since I was 13 (and I'm pushing the 1/2 century mark now). I only discovered about 3 months ago there has been a continuation of the series carried on by Frank Herbert's son, Brian.

On the official Dune Website, I ran across an article written by Frank Herbert for Genesis Magazine. It spoke of how the Dune series came to be. Because I don't have permission to print the article from Genesis, I'll simply quote a part. The full article can be found here.

"Yes, there are analogs in Dune of today's events-corruption and bribery in
the highest places, whole police forces lost to organized crime, regulatory
agencies taken over by the people they are supposed to regulate. The scarce
water of Dune is an exact analog of oil scarcity. CHOAM is OPEC."

"I had already written several pieces about ecological matters, but my
superhero concept filled me with a concern that ecology might be the next banner
for demagogues and would-be-heroes, for the power seekers and others ready to
find an adrenaline high in the launching of a new crusade."

"Our society, after all, operates on guilt, which often serves only to
obscure its real workings and to prevent obvious solutions. An adrenaline high
can be just as addictive as any other kind of high."

Does any of this sound familiar people? It certainly strikes a chord in me. What I had forgotten was the date of this article. Anyone out there want to take a guess? Anyone?

It was written July, 1980.

That's right. 1980.

But there are other important parallels as well. Just a few quick ones: House Atreides is Greece; House Harkonnen is Russia; the Zensunni Wanderers (who later become the Fremen) appear to be Sunnis. The known universe is run on a tripod--schools/Guild, Landsraad/CHOAM and the Emperor. The US is run on a tripod system. The most unstable system devised. Religion is essentially dead and all emphasis is on the individual human (note that billary--INDIVIDUAL). Spice (oil) is obtainable in one place only--the planet Arrakis/Dune. Dune is purposely designed after the Sahara and the nomadic tribes. Muslims. Yep, those critters again.

In the final battle, the assimilated Duke Paul Atreides is also the Fremen Maud'Dib. His war is a Jihad. His personal fighters, Fedaykin and the general warriors the Mujahdeen. The spice is used as a drug for invicibility and long life. He is a messianic figure. Upon the ascent of his son, the empire becomes a place of enforced peace for 3+ millenia. Upon the God Emperor's death, the explosion in technology and HUMAN achievement accelerates.

Further parallels are the Fremen are nomadic desert dwellers, strict adherence to religious zealotry, uncompromising fighters bent on total dominance. Their writing is modern day Arabic.

99.9% of the characters are morally or physically corrupt either with politics, riches or both.

Now, do I have to point it out to everyone all the parallels here? Does anyone want to take a guess when the original Dune book was written? Anyone? I'll reveal that answer below.

Before I reveal the answer, though, for all of you who scoff at us sci-fi freaks (you call us geeks), it appears Frank Herbert, along with other writers such as Clarke, Asimov, Heinlein, Verne, etc., had quite a gift for imaginationary worlds. Almost spooky.

I, for one, wear the title "geek" proudly. And, if you have an ounce of sense, you too will join the ranks of the geekhood by educating yourselves through these chronicles. Entertaining, yes. Mind bending--of course. Eerily prophetic? Too much so.

The answer? 1965.

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LARK Goes the Rounds Again--How Timely!

This is something that has gone the email rounds quite a few times. Of course, it has been debunked by Snopes; however, the underlying message to the surrender monkeys and kumbaya crowd is timeless.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) but look on the bright side...no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially...Your Buddy,

George W. Bush

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