Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 1

I was reading my daily Townhall.com offering and Jonah Goldberg's column this week had a few of these interesting tidbits about Fred Thompson. So, I went to the link Jonah provided (http://www.imao.us/) and became totally immersed in Frank J.'s blog.

Being a Fred supporter myself, I asked Frank J. if I could copy his daily Fred fact to my blog and he kindly said yes, as long as I gave appropriate credit. His Fred Thompson Archives page is here.

Enjoy Frank J.'s wit and humor and I'll be updating as we go along. Thanks Frank J.! Oh, all emphasis is mine, not Frank J.'s.

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One lazy afternoon, Fred Thompson felt like whittling. The result: Mount Rushmore.



Many claim that support for Fred Thompson is only because he acted like a gruff DA on TV. In reality, though, gruff DAs are all trying to act like Fred Thompson.

With Fred Thompson departing from Law & Order, it's now being renamed The Cops and Lawyers Fun Hour.

They say that after a nuclear blast, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and Fred Thompson... except that Fred Thompson doesn't like cockroaches. So the only thing that will survive will be Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson has never considered anything a monkey has done to be funny. Even those with roller skates on.

Fred Thompson honors the fallen on Memorial Day by setting fire to hippies. Burn long and hard in their remembrance, you filthy hippies.

The grass is always greener on Fred Thompson's lawn. Always.



Fred Thompson has enough strength to throw Rosie O'Donnell ten feet.

Fred Thompson has a cameo appearance in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He plays the force of nature.

In a Fred Thompson administration, there will always be room to disagree with him. That room is called the morgue.

In the series Law & Order, Fred Thompson plays the title character.

Fred Thompson is immune to fire, bullets, and your sarcasm.

In times of trouble, Fred Thompson activates the secret gamma accelerator hidden in his watch, powers up and transforms into... Fred Thompson.

Usually for a bill to become a law, it has to be passed by the House and the Senate and signed by the President, but once Fred Thompson made a bill into law by saying, "This bill is now the law" and punched Bill Clinton in the nads.

When Fred Thompson had to watch Sleepless in Seattle with his wife, somehow that version had ninja attacks, gun fights, and explosions. He still thought it was gay.

The chupacabra is in fact the physical manifestation of Fred Thompson's anger over illegal immigration. If Mexicans don't want their goats sucked dry of blood, they better respect our border.

Fred Thompson was originally considered for the lead to 24, but then the producers realized that, with how long it takes Fred Thompson to solve any national crisis, they'd have to rename the series 0.2.

Unbeknownst to Michael Moore, a documentary was made of the last time Fred Thompson debated a liberal blow hard. It was called Faces of Death.

There's a UN council that focuses on finding ways to protect countries from the wrath of Fred Thompson. Their solution: Nuke selves.

When Fred Thompson throws a cat, it always lands on its head.

Fred Thompson not only doesn't add cream or sugar to his coffee, he doesn't add water.

Rumor has it that Tom Bombadil is in fact an early Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson has never been confused by anything that has happened on Lost.

Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions solved problems like Maria.

Fred Thompson understands women.

Fred Thompson kills at least one terrorist every day before he even has his first cup of coffee. You don't want to be the terrorist he kills before he gets his first cup of coffee.

Fred Thompson can pat his head, rub his belly, and kill you all at the same time.

If all the computers in the world worked together, it would still take them six quintillion years to calculate exactly how awesome Fred Thompson is. In fact, computers will never be able to calculate that since Fred Thompson's awesomeness increases faster than Moore's Law.

Fred Thompson's response to the debate question "What do you dislike most about America?" would be to rip off Chris Matthew's head and shove it up his ass.

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By popular demand, I've made a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt over at the IMAO Store. It has a Fred Thompson for President logo on the front and these facts on the back:

* Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.

* Physicists say nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nukes? Fear of Fred Thompson.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Every night, Osama checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson is a prime number.

* Actual cause of global warming? Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* Fred Thompson appears human size because he is actually standing a million miles away.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

Maybe later I'll make some stickers and magnets with individual Fred Thompson facts. If there are some facts you like that I didn't include, put them in the comments.

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Fred Thompson can win any presidential debate by answering "I'm Fred Thompson" to every question.

Fred Thompson's favorite color is the blood of his enemies.

Fred Thompson's favorite book is a battered copy of The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress which he used to beat a hippy to death with.

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Unverfied Fred Thompson Facts

People have been e-mailing me Fred Thompson facts even though I've never made a claim to be the repository of Fred Thompson knowledge. I'd thought I'd share them with you, though I must warn you that these facts have not been triple verified like all the other Fred Thompson facts I've told you. Thus there is the possibility they are false and Fred Thompson will kill us all for reading them.

UNVERIFIED FRED THOMPSON FACTS:

* Fred Thompson never has to stop at a traffic light because of a Homeland Security directive requiring all lights to turn green whenever he approaches.

* Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.

* Rosie O'Donnell insulted Fred Thompson so he morphed her into a reasonable, intelligent human being. Afterthat she joined the Republican Party, took Simon Cowell for a lover and replaced Michelle Malkin as a contributor on Bill O'Reilly show.

* Does a bear @#$% in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.

* When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.

I'm starting to think some things said about Fred Thompson are actually urban legends.

* When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross's entire quota for 6 months.

* Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis - micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.

* Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.

* Fred Thompson's carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.

* Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.

* Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson's hot tub.

* There are only 2 things in life that are certain - Death and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.

* Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.

* Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.

* If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.

* Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.

* The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson's playground history.

* Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.

* Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.

* Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.

* Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ……. with his foot.

* Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.

* Fred Thompson's steely glare will soften steel.

* Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.

* Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.

* Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.

* When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.

* Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.

* Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutoutposter.

* A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.

* Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."

BTW, here's an editorial by Fred Thompson at National Review on how America doesn't care what others think of us.

If you have any new facts about Fred Thompson, put them in the comments... but try to verify your facts first.

Marvel Comics has an upcoming event to chronicle the Fred Thompson campaign entitled "World War Hulk."

In an election, it costs ten dollars to vote for Fred Thompson since voting for him is a privilege, not a right.

You can safely view Fred Thompson using a shoe box with a pin-sized hole in one end.

To save tax money, for a while Tennessee reduced it's police force to just Fred Thompson armed with a claw hammer. During that time, there was no crime in Tennessee or any contiguous state.
In the presence of Fred Thompson, terrorists prematurely explode... even if they don't have explosives strapped to them.

Fred Thompson's wit is so sharp that it can split apart atoms.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Fred Thompson appears out of nowhere and beats the crap out of both of them.

What would prove that the United States of America is the greatest nation to ever have existed? If Fred Thompson decides we're worthy enough to have him as our leader.

New plan for future space launches: Have Fred Thompson stand by the launch pad and glare angrily at the rocket so it will reach escape velocity out of necessity.

Fred Thompson's firearm collection is so awesome that it's illegal in all fifty states and received a condemnation from the U.N.

The temperature of Fred Thompson's icy gaze is negative twenty degrees kelvin.

Fred Thompson plans to make it an allowable interrogation technique to rip out a terrorists spine and beat him with it.

Why does Dr. Gregory House need a cane to walk? Because he once cut Fred Thompson off in traffic.

Fred Thompson can shoot beams out of his eyes so hot they can burn through Superman.

The original ending to "In the Line of Fire" had Fred Thompson stand between the assassin and the president and deflect the bullet off his chest. This was deemed to unrealistic, though, since no one would ever have the courage to pull the trigger on Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson is a prime number.

Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.

When Fred Thompson found out a Senator had added pork to a bill, Fred Thompson ripped off the man's leg and beat him with it. The leg was later returned to the Senator as part of a bi-partisan compromise.

The U.S. Military once created a Fred Thompson submachine gun. They were unable to use it since firing it on the battlefield violated every single article of the Geneva Conventions (and common sense).

Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why is God crying? Because Fred Thompson punched Him in the arm.

Unlike fire, Fred Thompson can melt steel.

If you took Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Optimus Prime, a .50 caliber Desert Eagle, a samurai sword, nachos, the lobby scene from the move Matrix, the computer game Doom, and a DVD set of the complete A-Team series and somehow took all their awesomeness and compressed into one thing, you'd still only have something half as awesome as what Fred Thompson flushes down the toilet after taking a crap.

Fred Thompson washes down his morning steak and eggs with a big mug of jet fuel.

Polls show that, in a presidential race between Hillary Clinton and Fred Thompson, the result would be that Hillary would vomit up her own heart and die.

The myth about the twelve labors of Hercules is loosely based on Fred Thompson's Boy Scout career.

Fred Thompson can kill you just by thinking about you. Luckily, you're far too insignificant for him to think about.

Physicists say that nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson appears human sized because he is actually standing a million miles away.

According to Sura 8 verse 65 of the Koran, Allah told the Prophet Muhammad, "O Prophet! Urge the believers to war; if there are twenty patient ones of you they shall overcome two hundred, and if there are a hundred of you they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve... but if you're up against Fred Thompson, you're totally screwed and I can't help you."

Inexplicably, Fred Thompson receives a copy of tomorrow's newspaper at his doorstep every morning. He uses it to wrap fish since Fred Thompson doesn't care about either today's or tomorrow's liberal slant on the news.

A short but accurate biography of Fred Thompson can be found in Jane's Tank & Combat Vehicle Recognition Guide.

While he is opposed to gay marriage, Fred Thompson is very compassionate towards gays since, in comparison to him, every man is a flaming homosexual.

It's sounding more and more likely that Fred Thompson will run for the Republican nomination for President. Can he win, though, when it's well known that his penchant for bureaucracy nearly kept Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood from getting the job done against terrorists and assassins?

I think he can.

Actually, the more I find out about Fred Thompson, the more I think he needs to be President. And I mean he should be President right now, like Dick Cheney should resign, President Bush should then appoint Fred Thompson to be Vice-President, and then President Bush should resign.

You might think I'm going overboard when I've only just started to learn about Fred Thompson, but you won't when you read this:

AWESOME FACTS ABOUT FRED THOMPSON

* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

He's Fred Thompson. You're nothing.

* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.

* The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.

* The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.

* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.

* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.

* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.

* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.

* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.

* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"

* Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.

* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."

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