Political Science for Dummies--Humor

Yep..another email archive.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You are forced to join a cooperative to help him manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells the milk at a state store. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the farm subsidy program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours half the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While looking for them, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. The people vote to determine the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state come in and decide which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. Their milk makes really great nacho cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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Immigrants Past and Present

I seem to be raiding my email archives for some articles I've saved. Many of the emails have the standard "Pass This On" deal at the end, and I rarely did. I will do so here, in my own space. This is another such article. All emphasis mine and my comments are in blue (haven't checked this through Snopes and I really don't care--it states my views exactly).

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Dear Editor:

So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry. Well, maybe because those that came through Ellis Island did it LEGALLY!

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900, when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved goodbye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France and Japan. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France, no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans.

And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900s deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty? She happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

P. S. Pass this on to everyone you know!!! KEEP THIS LETTER MOVING!!I hope this letter gets read by millions of people all across the nation.

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GET IT PEOPLE? ONE COUNTRY, ONE FLAG, ONE LANGUAGE--AMERICA, ONE NATION UNDER GOD...LOVE IT OR GET THE HELL OUT.

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Am I the Only One Getting Tired of This BS?

The above picture is the 10,000 year old remains of a LIBERAL!

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An older email I found while searching for something else (My changes are in blue):

Am I The Only One Getting Tired of this BS?

Every day I read the newspaper or watch the news only to see that some muslim group is complaining about being called terrorist.

Wow, imagine that.

Sunni muslims are killing shite muslims who are killing kurdish muslims - but hey interview a muslim spokesMAN (FUCK POLITICAL CORRECTNESS) and the first thing you hear is that they are "peace loving people"

Then of course there are the "peace loving muslims" of India who are killing the Hindus.

And in Russia the peace loving muslims took over a Chechnya school and killed children.

Let's not forget the peace loving muslims in the Philippines, when they aren't blowing up tourist destinations they are kidnapping foreigners.

Not to be left out are the peace loving muslims of Africa.

What are the numbers of governments now being overthrown by the "peace loving muslims" - is it three or four? I've lost count.

Let's not forget the riots in France by young, North African peace loving muslims.

Or how about a subway ride in Spain or a bus ride in London.

Yet, you will be expected not to appear nervous when a "peace loving muslim " gets on public transportation with his backpack - hey, what are you a racist? How dare you....

Then of course there is the president of Iran.

Is that guy a piece of work or what? Just another peace loving muslim who says that the holocaust was made up by the Jews. And that Israel should be destroyed - did I mention that he is another peace loving muslim who is developing nuclear power for more muslim peaceful pursuits?

When the pope made a statement about a week ago (actually he was quoting an ancient scholar) the peace loving muslims burnt 4 churches in the middle east and killed an Italian nun in Somalia. These guys are upset about something that was said 400 years ago, but think nothing about video taping public executions or stoning women to death because they let a veil slip on their face in public.

French president Chirac was quick to defend the muslim world against the Pope's comments with his statement that "we must avoid making any links, Islam which is a great, respectable religion and radical Islamism, which is totally different."

Sure Jacques, and when France is being overrun for the third time give us a call. NOT!

No need to mention the USS Cole, or the embassies in Africa, the Pan Am flight over Scotland or 9/11.

When the Muslim spokesMEN (DAMMIT, SPOKESMEN NOT SPOKESPERSONS!) have the camera they are quick to point that these barbaric actions were the work of "small fringe" groups, not the majority of "peace loving muslims" so please don't profile us at airports.

Are we being so politically correct that when we hear of muslims in the US providing financial support or buying bomb parts and weapons for "peace loving muslims" around the world we say nothing for fear of offending our friends, the "peace loving muslims."

And not to be forgotten is the candidate for the US congress from Minnesota who is proudly proclaiming his peace loving muslim background - Oh yeah, we need this guy....

But hey, it's probably just me wondering when I'll read in the paper (once again) that the peace loving muslims have killed more people because "the infidels dared to go to a Christian church or a synagogue" After all, a day after the Pope offered an apology a muslim spokesperson said "...we shall break the cross and spill the wine...." Oh yeah, this is a guy we can sit down with and discuss differences.

Let's wake up and call all these peace loving muslims what they all really are.... But remember, please don't blame all "peace loving muslims" for the actions of only 99.9% of muslims.

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And the ones causing the biggest problems? The ones coming into this country ILLEGALLY or overstaying their visas and STAYING HERE ILLEGALLY.

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ILLEGAL Immigration

Stolen from Snooper (with encouragement!):

Send the Illegal Aliens HOME!!
Thursday, May 17, 2007 10:54 PM

SPREAD THIS FAR AND WIDE. EVEN THE LA TIMES HAS STARTED TO GET IT!!

If this doesn't open our eyes... nothing will!

From the Los Angeles Times

1. 40% of all workers in LOS ANGELES COUNTY (LA County has 10.2 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens

4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on MediCal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5. Nearly 35% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally.

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in LA are Spanish speaking.

10. In LA County 5.1 million people speak English, 3.9 million speak Spanish. (There are 10.2 million people in LA County)

All of the above are from the Los Angeles Times

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.

Over 70% of the United States' annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration.

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

We are a bunch of fools for letting this continue.

WHY CAN'T WE SEND THEM HOME HOW CAN YOU HELP?

Send copies of this letter to at least two other people... 100 would be even better.UNITED WE STAND - GOD BLESS AMERICA

For those of my reader's who think I have no heart or soul for the plight of the downtrodden, learn to READ---this is about ILLEGAL immigration, not the immigrants who come here legally to make a better life for themselves and their families. My great-grandparents did it; I have a friend who became a citizen in July, 2006 (and let me tell you, she is one PISSED OFF CITIZEN). If you want to come here, fine--DO IT LEGALLY AND DON'T EXPECT A FREE PASS FOR BREAKING THE LAW DAMMIT!

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New Site Announcement!

This site has been around at least since April 19, 2007 whenn I stumbled across it and sat up an entire Saturday night perusing it. It's hilarious, but it's intent is to expose Hillary for what she truly is, as well as her true agenda. It's called StopHerNow.com and the home page is here. The blog area is here. It's truly the one-stop spot for all the news on Hillary.

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And, a joke from Dean in the old email:

I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulatingfor several months. Please, keep it going! To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.

1. Bill

2. Chelsea

3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

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