MBVD: Jokes

Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Sunday, February 3, 2008

OMGosh THIS is WHY Our Government is TOAST!

From my friend Michelle--a little humor to illustrate why government as it stands is screwed (wanna bet they're all dems?)

Ever wonder WHY the Government is in the shape that it's in today?

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

01. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

02. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying
to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.' Her response? Click!

03. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

04. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

05. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

06. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast; she bought that.

07. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ' Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal); the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

08. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'

09. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

Any Questions?

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

One to Get You Giggling...

This came to my email from one of my regular "must reads"--Thanks NH!

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that should offend just about everybody.

Also Posted at Real Clear Politics here and Grizzly Groundswell here.

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SOLDIER"S ANGELS NEEDS YOUR HELP!

The Veterans Hospital in Tucson needs our help!!! They have contacted Soldiers' Angels with a list of needs for their patients. Soldiers Angels needs your help in making some of these come true.

Below you will find just a small portion of needs that are immediate. You can also find this list posted on the Soldiers Angels Forum at www.soldiersangelsforum.com you will be able to find lots of great information there for our deployed and vets.

If you are sending a monetary donation please follow the link and indicate the State you are in.

Donate here;
Ttp://soldiersangels.org/index.php?page=veterans-support

COMFORT ITEMS- $350/MO
Dry Skin Cream
Slipper Socks-No skid
Catheter bag covers
Shaving Cream
Hand Lotion
Baby Shampoo
Hand Soap
Roll on/Spray Deodorant
Denture Cleaner
Underwear (men and women (all sizes)
Toothbrushes
Denture Grip
Socks (white)
Talcum Powder
Nail Clippers
Toothpaste
Ladies hand and body lotion
Backpacks
Disposable Razors
Comb/Brushes
Shawls
Shaving Cream/small
Knitted Caps
Travel Alarm Clocks
Ball Caps
Tote Bags
Shower Shoes
Pocket Size Needle and Thread Kit
Heart pillows for cardiac patients
Lap Robes (3x5 or 5x7)

GUEST SERVICES
30 cup coffee makers
Coffee supplies (reg. & decaf)
Music CDs
Stamps
Writing Paper and Envelopes
Prepaid Phone Cards for patients’

RECREATION
Puzzle books
Crossword Puzzles
Pencils
Video tapes & DVDs (movies, educational)
DVD Player

Sports equipment (basketball, tennis rackets &
Tickets for entertainment & sporting events
Balls, badminton set, Frisbees, football)

If you can send just one item that would be great!!! If each person sends one thing we will make a difference! They are also needing those who can volunteer time at the hospital just contact the Voluntary Services Dept. For information.

Mail Items to:

Department of Veterans Affairs Southern Arizona VA Health Care System – Voluntary Services 9-135, 3601 S. Sixth Avenue, Tucson, AZ 85723

PLEASE HELP US HELP THOSE WHO FOUGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!

My Favorite Speeches and Other Items of Interest

George Bush's March 28, 2007 Discusses Economy, War on Terror During Remarks to the National Cattlemen's Beef Association;http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/03/20070328-2.html
Mitch McConnell's March 15, 2007 Funding For Troops, Not Timelines for Retreat; http://mcconnell.senate.gov/record.cfm?id=270747&start=1
Ronald Reagan's June 12, 1987 Tear Down This Wall Speech; http://www.reaganfoundation.org/reagan/speeches/wall.asp
Vice President Cheney's March 12, 2007 Remarks at the AIPAC 2007 Policy Conference; http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/03/20070312.html

Winston Churchill Quotes

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives, I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter.
Danger - if you meet it promptly and without flinching - you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!
I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality by contact with this great novel land of yours which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
I like a man who grins when he fights.
I was only the servant of my country and had I, at any moment, failed to express her unflinching resolve to fight and conquer, I should at once have been rightly cast aside.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time-a tremendous whack.
In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work for it with all your might.
It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.
Moral of the Work. In war: resolution. In defeat: defiance. In victory: magnanimity. In peace: goodwill.
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.
Never, never, never give up.
No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism.
One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!
Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
The first quality that is needed is audacity.
The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.
The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.
There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion.
These are not dark days: these are great days - the greatest days our country has ever lived.
They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.
True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.
Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.
War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can't smile, grin. If you can't grin, keep out of the way till you can.
War is mainly a catalogue of blunders.
We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.
When the eagles are silent the parrots begin to jabber.
When you are winning a war almost everything that happens can be claimed to be right and wise.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Ronald Reagan Quotes

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have.
All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources
Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.
Double, no triple, our troubles and we'd still be better off than any other people on earth. It is time that we recognized that ours was, in truth, a noble cause.
Facts are stupid things.
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.
Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged.
Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.
Governments tend not to solve problems, only to rearrange them.
History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.
How can a president not be an actor?
How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
I will stand on, and continue to use, the figures I have used, because I believe they are correct. Now, I'm not going to deny that you don't now and then slip up on something; no one bats a thousand.
In Israel, free men and women are every day demonstrating the power of courage and faith. Back in 1948 when Israel was founded, pundits claimed the new country could never survive. Today, no one questions that. Israel is a land of stability and democracy in a region of tryanny and unrest.
Let us ask ourselves; "What kind of people do we think we are?".
Man is not free unless government is limited.
My philosophy of life is that if we make up our mind what we are going to make of our lives, then work hard toward that goal, we never lose - somehow we win out.
No mother would ever willingly sacrifice her sons for territorial gain, for economic advantage, for ideology.
Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.
Our forbearance should never be misunderstood. Our reluctance for conflict should not be misjudged as a failure of will. When action is required to preserve our national security, we will act.
Protecting the rights of even the least individual among us is basically the only excuse the government has for even existing.
Some people wonder all their lives if they've made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem.
The ultimate determinant in the struggle now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas - a trial of spiritual resolve: the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish and the ideals to which we are dedicated.
The United Sates has much to offer the third world war.
There are no easy answers' but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right.
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, I did not take the oath I have just taken with the intention of presiding over the dissolution of the world's strongest economy.
Today we did what we had to do. They counted on America to be passive. They counted wrong.
We are never defeated unless we give up on God.
We have the duty to protect the life of an unborn child.
We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we will always be free.
Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face.
You know, if I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough, I would be convinced we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed.