Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 09

It has been ENTIRELY too long (since September 23, 2007) since we saw some Fred funnies. Frank J. at IMAO is going strong and keeping them coming--he's got some great stuff at his site. Make sure you pay him a visit!

Without further adieu, here are the funnies!

JANUARY:
Fred Thompson doesn't decide who lives and who dies; he just makes it so.


Only one percent of New Hampshirites slept soundly last night.


Some people are homeless because of their financial situation, others are homeless because of substance abuse, while still others are homeless because they looked at Fred Thompson funny and he destroyed their home.

Who would win in a fight between John Wayne and Chuck Norris? Fred Thompson.


Fred Thompson can always easily identify pod-people, Cylons, Skrulls, users of a polyjuice potion, replicants, people who are actually the Thing, and RINOs.

Death lives in fear of Fred Thompson.


Like most Americans, Fred Thompson has no plans to ever set foot in Iowa ever again.


Fred Thompson will not only beat expectations, he will kick and stomp expectations before running over its neck with his truck.


The Klingon word for "awesome" is "Fred Thompson."


If Fred Thompson is an auld acquaintance, there is no chance of forgetting him.

DECEMBER:

If you watch this and decide not to vote for Fred Thompson, you can legally be committed.

Hell plans to add a brand new tenth circle specifically for those who don't vote for Fred Thompson.


If you try to fast forward past a Fred Thompson campaign commercial, your Tivo will erase all your favorite programs.


There was a legend of the Old West of a gunfighter who could outdraw and outshoot any man and would ride from town to town dispensing justice. He was known as "The Man with No Name (Other Than Fred Thompson)."


Fred Thompson isn't some hippie that worries about his "carbon footprint." He has twenty-five gas-guzzling cars that can combine in groups of five to form five giant gas-guzzling robots that can all combine to form one even bigger, even more gas-guzzling robot which then transforms into a car which Fred Thompson drives to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk.


While Romney has been stuffing mailboxes in Iowa with negative facts about Huckabee, Fred Thompson stuffed into a mailbox the most negative thing about Huckabee: Huckabee himself.


If a child is naughty, Santa leaves him a lump of coal in his stocking. If Santa is naughty, Fred Thompson beats him with a shovel.


Fred Thompson will be spending Christmas Eve this year the same as he traditionally does: Managing a crisis at Washington Dulles International Airport.

(research help from Jim Geraghty)

Fred Thompson is a fantastic breakdancer.

Fred Thompson remembers not seeing Mitt Romney's father march with Martin Luther King.

If Fred Thompson used but a fraction of his energy on the campaign trail, he would destroy the Eastern seaboard.

Every single blog has endorsed Fred Thompson that isn't secretly run by Communists.

IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.

So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:

Read More...

Fred Thompson used to be quite the ladies man before he married Jeri. In fact, there's a fifty percent chance he's your real father.

Fred Dalton Thompson

Many of you may be surprised by this. You may ask why didn't we endorse Ron Paul, the only hope for America? Do we not like America? And why didn't we endorse Mike Huckabee, the lovable hillbilly who will pardon any murderer who got a hold of a Bible? And what about Mitt Romney whose hair is very shiny?

These are good questions, and the endorsement of Fred Thompson certainly wasn't made on a whim. As you may know, IMAO has been reporting on Fred Thompson facts for some time -- for purely academic reasons. The more we looked at these facts, though, the more we began to think that they might mean that Fred Thompson is a great candidate. America really could use a candidate who could stop illegal immigration for a month by simply glaring at Mexico. And while other candidates are arguing over whether the rarely used waterboarding is too mean to terrorists, it's refreshing to have a candidate who believes that pulling out a terrorist's spine and beating him with it is a perfectly cromulent interrogation technique.

What really put us over the line was seeing the facts put to awesome music:

Also, John Hawkins's reduction of the Fred Thompson slogan "Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies." down to the less cumbersome "Kill. Protect. Punch." really makes Fred Thompson's strengths as a candidate clear.

But we can't just go by our gut. Let's compare the main attributes of Fred Thompson versus the other candidates:

Fred Thompson: Teh Awesome

Other Candidates: Teh Suck

I believe when you lay things out this way, the reasons to support Fred Thompson over the other candidates becomes obvious, especially since IMAO has long held the position that "Teh Awesome" is better than "Teh Suck." And, in this time when our country is threatened by terrorists, weenies, and goobers, it's that more important we elect someone awesome -- a strong conservative who will kill and hurt those who need killing and hurting.

With a Fred Thompson presidency, I expect terrorists to become extinct within a year. Many bros will be tased, and hippies will be driven underground where they will eventually evolve into hideous creatures like the Morlocks (but not as hard working). America's economy will sky rocket all at the expense of foreign countries who will become so poor they'll all compete on who can grow us green onions the cheapest. Though Fred Thompson will not improve America's image abroad, other countries will suck so much in comparison to us that we'll care even less about their opinions.

So not only should you support Fred Thompson like your life depended on it, you should tell everyone else to do the same. Here's a visual example:

I should note, though, that the most important factor in IMAO endorsing Fred Thompson is that I already have an awesome t-shirt designed for him which will pretty much go to waste if he isn't the nominee. And it's not like I can just move that slogan to whoever the Republican nominee is, because, come on, do you think a tough slogan like that is going to work with Romney or hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee? No. Fred Thompson is the only Republican with the awesomeness to pull that off.

So, when it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself: Are you for awesomeness or not? If you think having a nominee who is awesome is just not for the Republican Party and we instead need some compromise candidate no one is thrilled with (or, in Ron Paul's case, only people infected with brain-eating bacteria are thrilled with), then vote for the one of the other guys. Otherwise, pull the lever for Fred Thompson, immediately turn around and punch the guy behind you in the face, and rock on!

Kill the terrorists.

Protect the border.

Punch the hippies.

Vote Fred Thompson.

He's the only candidate that is IMAO approved.

...Close It

From John Hawkins:

The snowman Fred Thompson made last winter defeated Godzilla.


When Fred Thompson says, "Have a merry Christmas," that's not a meaningless platitude -- it's a command -- so you better have a Christmas so merry blood is shooting out your eyes because Fred Thompson is coming to town.


On Christmas Eve, Fred Thompson leaves milk and cookies out. Santa dares not touch them, because he knows how much Fred Thompson loves his milk and cookies early on Christmas morning.


God created man in His image. Fred Thompson was the first copy, and they all sorta degraded after that.


Fred Thompson can fly if he wants to. Even gravity won't dare touch him without permission.


When Fred Thompson leaves his house, he doesn't lock his door. Criminals lock their doors.


Fred Thompson has been unable to attack Spider-Man because any time he tries, Spider-Man's spider-sense immediately overloads Spider-Man's brain, putting him into a week long coma.


Fidel Castro keeps a loaded gun by his bed at all times in case Fred Thompson becomes president so he can immediately blow his own brains out to avoid Fred Thompson's wrath. He won't be quick enough.


There are already plans for the supercarrier the U.S.S. Fred Thompson. It will carry and launch other aircraft carriers.


Today's Fred Thompson fact is a lovely poem written by Exurbankevin:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Fred Thompson.


When God created the first man and woman, He told them, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die since it's Fred Thompson's and he does not like people messing with his stuff."

In a debate, Fred Thompson follows up any rhetorical point he scores with an awesome guitar solo.


Some people become measurably smarter just by breathing the same air Fred Thompson does. Others become measurably deader.


If it's ten o'clock and you don't know where your children are, don't worry; Fred Thompson knows.


Fred Thompson has never used a brake pedal.


While Fred Thompson has always had a merry Christmas, he's never had a happy holiday.


From an airplane, people look like ants... except for Fred Thompson. He still looks like Fred Thompson.


Fred Thompson has never needed to move. Weak towns flee him while strong towns naturally grow near.

NOVEMBER:

Fred Thompson changes channels using a 12 gage.

Fred Thompson takes a bite out of criminals.

Fred Thompson opens up whupass in lot sizes no smaller than a gross at a time.

Fred Thompson enjoys racing cars. To make it fair he usually gives the cars at least a 100 foot head start.

Fred Thompson's house is easy to find. Just turn off the main road, go two blocks and when you see the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, you're there.

When they are in season, Fred Thompson enjoys hunting, killing, skinning and preparing fresh Balrog.

The shortest distance between two points doesn't go near Fred Thompson if it knows what's best for its lazy, shortcut seeking self.

Fred Thompson never needs to take questions from plants. Though a New York Times reporter tried to interview him and ended up a vegetable.

In the Fred Thompson Presidency every day will seem like Thanksgiving, partly because there'll be so much to be thankful for, but basically, if you value your life, you won't even act like a turkey.

When Fred Thompson's wireless call gets dropped, he drops the phone, the phone company and a vanload of hippies into the Sun.

Fred Thompson often gets a fresh hot Egg McMuffin after 10:30AM.

There's a sucker born every minute... which is a bit below replacement rate considering Fred Thompson's dislike of suckers.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a plan to fight volcanoes or any other type of mountain that shows hostility to America.

While visiting Africa, an enraged Fred Thompson charged and killed a rhino. He hates rhinos.

Children like to lay pennies in the path of Fred Thompson and then keep the flattened remains as good luck charms.

At a speech at the Citadel, Fred Thompson called for a larger military, more modern weaponry, and smarter, less smelly enemies to fight. Sorry, hippies, he'll kill you last.

The reason the National Right to Life Committee is endorsing Fred Thompson is that they figured the best way to preserve life is to not piss off Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson once took out an entire swarm of bees with a pair of chopsticks.

You know how the old saying goes: "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a gorilla if that's what Fred Thompson says it is."

Fred Thompson has released a comprehensive plan to save Social Security: Kill old hippies.

Taxes get so depressed when they hear Fred Thompson is in charge that they cut themselves.

Bullfighting doesn't work with Fred Thompson as a matador because, instead of charging, the bull flees in terror. The audience, too.

Why it a bad idea to anger Bruce Banner? Because he's a friend of Fred Thompson.

The best way to save the planet is to make sure it never gets in the way of Fred Thompson.

Matter cannot be destroyed (unless it pisses off Fred Thompson).

Fred Thompson can shoot a two inch group at 500 yards with a Nerf gun.

Fred Thompson's plan for the U.N. is to wait for a big conference and then melt down the entire headquarters, uniting leaders from all nations into a nice little paperweight for his desk.

Fred Thompson was initially confused by conservatives' opposition to "the Fairness Doctrine" since that's the name of one of his guns.

Climate change is inevitable. Except around Fred Thompson, where the climate stands very, very still.

(research of this fact done by No One of Consequence)

OCTOBER:

If your children go to Fred Thompson's house on Halloween night, make sure they don't say, "Trick or treat!" Fred Thompson does not respond well to threats.

Global warming is afraid of increasing Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson owns one gun so awesome that it violates California state firearms law to even look at it.

It only takes one lick for Fred Thompson to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Fred Thompson once fought fire with fire. Fire was admitted to the hospital with third degree burns covering eighty percent of its body.

Fred Thompson can get blood from a stone. He calls it "stone blood."

Fred Thompson is a master of all sports. He once batted a football into a basket hoop located on the green of a par 5 hole that was being guarded by the world's best goalie (hockey, not soccer).

Fred Thompson once shoved a camel through the eye of a needle. He didn't find it that difficult, though it was a bit messy.

Fred Thompson plans to beat the charge that he's "lazy" by running around the country at super-speed killing anyone who would slander him so.

Fred Thompson can absorb political adversity and channel it into powerful blasts from his hands which he uses to disintegrate his enemies.

The original last line to King Kong was "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Fred Thompson that killed the beast. Fred. @#$%. Thompson."

Fred Thompson's method to veto wasteful spending bills will be to shove the bill down the throat of the Democrat who authored it and then throw him into the sun. Such a veto can not be overturned.

Fred Thompson in no way resembles a chimp and has painted a barn with the blood of those who implied otherwise.

Fred Thompson has promised to fight and win at least one world war within his first one hundred days.

If strangling Socialists with their own intestines is wrong, Fred Thompson has no desire to be right.

If your cellphone rings during a Fred Thompson speech, he will kill you and your Fave 5.

For the eighth year in a row, Fred Thompson has won the Nobel Violence Prize.

Fred Thompson is above any law, even those of thermodynamics.

There will be no natural disasters during the Fred Thompson administration; the earth is too scared of him to pull that crap.

Fred Thompson's campaign song is Drowning Pool's "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor."

While Fred Thompson was Senator, the Ultimate Fighting Championship lost viewers to C-SPAN.

Scratching Fred Thompson's car is classified as an extinction-level event.

Debate organizers decided there has to be at least a week between debates involving Fred Thompson to allow sufficient time to clean the blood off the walls.

If you even attempt to question Fred Thompson's patriotism, you will die instantly.

Once Fred Thompson became enraged while visiting Disney's Animal Kingdom and stampeded through the park, accidentally trampling and killing six elephants.

Fred Thompson has never been beaten at Candy Land.

[Am I getting these confused with John Edwards facts again? -Ed.]

If Fred Thompson sees any flag flying higher than the American flag, he will rip it down... even when visiting a foreign country.

When an episode of Law & Order was lost just before airing, Fred Thompson quickly constructed a new one out of nothing more than a paper clip, a piece of string, and an episode of MacGyver.

Fred Thompson has a plan to simultaneous reduce the number of nukes and countries.

Fred Thompson has a list of some of his principles at his blog, the Fred File. It's not a complete list, though, and here are some more principles exclusive to IMAO:

The Environment. For too long, we have yielded to the forces of natures. Instead, the nature should bend to our will. We must tame it like a beast as use it as yet another tool to destroy our enemies. If nature will not yield to us, then it must be destroyed starting with the sun.

Space Exploration. We lay claim to all the universe. We must continue to explore space to see if any life forms are occupying our property and punish them.

Border Security. America deserves a giant wall on both borders made from human bones.

Military Technology. We need weapons that launch fireballs at our enemies. Enemies of America deserve to be hit with fireballs.

Foreign Countries. Foreign countries are an affront to our sovereignty. Their mere existence suggests that someone would prefer to live somewhere else than the U.S. For this blasphemy, we must destroy all foreign countries and punish those who support them.

Education. Children are stupid. Someone needs to do something about that or I will destroy them.

Terrorism. We must make our enemies know that Allah is not nearly powerful enough to protect them from our wrath.

Fred Thompson beats rock, paper, and scissors. He also beats Jimmy Carter every other weekend.


Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a realistic plan to destroy the sun.

SEPTEMBER:

The House recently voted on a resolution expressing their fear of Fred Thompson. It passed 427 to 0 with 8 not voting since Fred Thompson had killed them.

Fred Thompson's favorite toy as a toddler was electrified barbed wire tied to a grizzly bear.

Fred Thompson can swallow a pig and some wheat and crap a ham sandwich.

Primitive cultures revere Fred Thompson as the god of death and destruction. It's believed the cause of this is that many cultures end up primitive after Fred Thompson has destroyed them.

Neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor giant meteor will keep Fred Thompson from giving someone a needed whup'n.

Fred Thompson can talk to fish but chooses not to.

Fred Thompson is so pro-American that when he places an ad in the New York Times, they charge him four times their normal rate.

Fred Thompson is not your "bro" and he is going to tase you.

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics here and Grizzly Groundswell here.