Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 09
It has been ENTIRELY too long (since September 23, 2007) since we saw some Fred funnies. Frank J. at IMAO is going strong and keeping them coming--he's got some great stuff at his site. Make sure you pay him a visit!
Without further adieu, here are the funnies!
JANUARY:
Fred Thompson doesn't decide who lives and who dies; he just makes it so.
Only one percent of New Hampshirites slept soundly last night.
Some people are homeless because of their financial situation, others are homeless because of substance abuse, while still others are homeless because they looked at Fred Thompson funny and he destroyed their home.
Fred Thompson can always easily identify pod-people, Cylons, Skrulls, users of a polyjuice potion, replicants, people who are actually the Thing, and RINOs.
Like most Americans, Fred Thompson has no plans to ever set foot in Iowa ever again.
Fred Thompson will not only beat expectations, he will kick and stomp expectations before running over its neck with his truck.
The Klingon word for "awesome" is "Fred Thompson."
If Fred Thompson is an auld acquaintance, there is no chance of forgetting him.
If you try to fast forward past a Fred Thompson campaign commercial, your Tivo will erase all your favorite programs.
There was a legend of the Old West of a gunfighter who could outdraw and outshoot any man and would ride from town to town dispensing justice. He was known as "The Man with No Name (Other Than Fred Thompson)."
Fred Thompson isn't some hippie that worries about his "carbon footprint." He has twenty-five gas-guzzling cars that can combine in groups of five to form five giant gas-guzzling robots that can all combine to form one even bigger, even more gas-guzzling robot which then transforms into a car which Fred Thompson drives to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk.
While Romney has been stuffing mailboxes in Iowa with negative facts about Huckabee, Fred Thompson stuffed into a mailbox the most negative thing about Huckabee: Huckabee himself.
If a child is naughty, Santa leaves him a lump of coal in his stocking. If Santa is naughty, Fred Thompson beats him with a shovel.
Fred Thompson will be spending Christmas Eve this year the same as he traditionally does: Managing a crisis at Washington Dulles International Airport.
(research help from Jim Geraghty)
Fred Thompson is a fantastic breakdancer.
Fred Thompson remembers not seeing Mitt Romney's father march with Martin Luther King.
If Fred Thompson used but a fraction of his energy on the campaign trail, he would destroy the Eastern seaboard.
Every single blog has endorsed Fred Thompson that isn't secretly run by Communists.
IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.
So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:
When Fred Thompson says, "Have a merry Christmas," that's not a meaningless platitude -- it's a command -- so you better have a Christmas so merry blood is shooting out your eyes because Fred Thompson is coming to town.
On Christmas Eve, Fred Thompson leaves milk and cookies out. Santa dares not touch them, because he knows how much Fred Thompson loves his milk and cookies early on Christmas morning.
God created man in His image. Fred Thompson was the first copy, and they all sorta degraded after that.
Fred Thompson can fly if he wants to. Even gravity won't dare touch him without permission.
When Fred Thompson leaves his house, he doesn't lock his door. Criminals lock their doors.
Fred Thompson has been unable to attack Spider-Man because any time he tries, Spider-Man's spider-sense immediately overloads Spider-Man's brain, putting him into a week long coma.
Fidel Castro keeps a loaded gun by his bed at all times in case Fred Thompson becomes president so he can immediately blow his own brains out to avoid Fred Thompson's wrath. He won't be quick enough.
There are already plans for the supercarrier the U.S.S. Fred Thompson. It will carry and launch other aircraft carriers.
Today's Fred Thompson fact is a lovely poem written by Exurbankevin:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Fred Thompson.
When God created the first man and woman, He told them, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die since it's Fred Thompson's and he does not like people messing with his stuff."
Some people become measurably smarter just by breathing the same air Fred Thompson does. Others become measurably deader.
If it's ten o'clock and you don't know where your children are, don't worry; Fred Thompson knows.
Fred Thompson has never used a brake pedal.
While Fred Thompson has always had a merry Christmas, he's never had a happy holiday.
From an airplane, people look like ants... except for Fred Thompson. He still looks like Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson has never needed to move. Weak towns flee him while strong towns naturally grow near.
Fred Thompson changes channels using a 12 gage.
Fred Thompson takes a bite out of criminals.
Fred Thompson opens up whupass in lot sizes no smaller than a gross at a time.
Fred Thompson enjoys racing cars. To make it fair he usually gives the cars at least a 100 foot head start.
Fred Thompson's house is easy to find. Just turn off the main road, go two blocks and when you see the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, you're there.
When they are in season, Fred Thompson enjoys hunting, killing, skinning and preparing fresh Balrog.
The shortest distance between two points doesn't go near Fred Thompson if it knows what's best for its lazy, shortcut seeking self.
Fred Thompson never needs to take questions from plants. Though a New York Times reporter tried to interview him and ended up a vegetable.
In the Fred Thompson Presidency every day will seem like Thanksgiving, partly because there'll be so much to be thankful for, but basically, if you value your life, you won't even act like a turkey.
When Fred Thompson's wireless call gets dropped, he drops the phone, the phone company and a vanload of hippies into the Sun.
Fred Thompson often gets a fresh hot Egg McMuffin after 10:30AM.
There's a sucker born every minute... which is a bit below replacement rate considering Fred Thompson's dislike of suckers.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a plan to fight volcanoes or any other type of mountain that shows hostility to America.
Children like to lay pennies in the path of Fred Thompson and then keep the flattened remains as good luck charms.
At a speech at the Citadel, Fred Thompson called for a larger military, more modern weaponry, and smarter, less smelly enemies to fight. Sorry, hippies, he'll kill you last.
Fred Thompson once took out an entire swarm of bees with a pair of chopsticks.
You know how the old saying goes: "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a gorilla if that's what Fred Thompson says it is."
Taxes get so depressed when they hear Fred Thompson is in charge that they cut themselves.
Why it a bad idea to anger Bruce Banner? Because he's a friend of Fred Thompson.
Matter cannot be destroyed (unless it pisses off Fred Thompson).
Fred Thompson can shoot a two inch group at 500 yards with a Nerf gun.
Fred Thompson was initially confused by conservatives' opposition to "the Fairness Doctrine" since that's the name of one of his guns.
Climate change is inevitable. Except around Fred Thompson, where the climate stands very, very still.
(research of this fact done by No One of Consequence)
If your children go to Fred Thompson's house on Halloween night, make sure they don't say, "Trick or treat!" Fred Thompson does not respond well to threats.
Fred Thompson owns one gun so awesome that it violates California state firearms law to even look at it.
Fred Thompson once fought fire with fire. Fire was admitted to the hospital with third degree burns covering eighty percent of its body.
Fred Thompson is a master of all sports. He once batted a football into a basket hoop located on the green of a par 5 hole that was being guarded by the world's best goalie (hockey, not soccer).
Fred Thompson plans to beat the charge that he's "lazy" by running around the country at super-speed killing anyone who would slander him so.
The original last line to King Kong was "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Fred Thompson that killed the beast. Fred. @#$%. Thompson."
Fred Thompson in no way resembles a chimp and has painted a barn with the blood of those who implied otherwise.
If strangling Socialists with their own intestines is wrong, Fred Thompson has no desire to be right.
For the eighth year in a row, Fred Thompson has won the Nobel Violence Prize.
There will be no natural disasters during the Fred Thompson administration; the earth is too scared of him to pull that crap.
While Fred Thompson was Senator, the Ultimate Fighting Championship lost viewers to C-SPAN.
Debate organizers decided there has to be at least a week between debates involving Fred Thompson to allow sufficient time to clean the blood off the walls.
Once Fred Thompson became enraged while visiting Disney's Animal Kingdom and stampeded through the park, accidentally trampling and killing six elephants.
Fred Thompson has never been beaten at Candy Land.
[Am I getting these confused with John Edwards facts again? -Ed.]
When an episode of Law & Order was lost just before airing, Fred Thompson quickly constructed a new one out of nothing more than a paper clip, a piece of string, and an episode of MacGyver.
Fred Thompson has a list of some of his principles at his blog, the Fred File. It's not a complete list, though, and here are some more principles exclusive to IMAO:
The Environment. For too long, we have yielded to the forces of natures. Instead, the nature should bend to our will. We must tame it like a beast as use it as yet another tool to destroy our enemies. If nature will not yield to us, then it must be destroyed starting with the sun.Space Exploration. We lay claim to all the universe. We must continue to explore space to see if any life forms are occupying our property and punish them.
Border Security. America deserves a giant wall on both borders made from human bones.
Military Technology. We need weapons that launch fireballs at our enemies. Enemies of America deserve to be hit with fireballs.
Foreign Countries. Foreign countries are an affront to our sovereignty. Their mere existence suggests that someone would prefer to live somewhere else than the U.S. For this blasphemy, we must destroy all foreign countries and punish those who support them.
Education. Children are stupid. Someone needs to do something about that or I will destroy them.
Terrorism. We must make our enemies know that Allah is not nearly powerful enough to protect them from our wrath.
Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a realistic plan to destroy the sun.
The House recently voted on a resolution expressing their fear of Fred Thompson. It passed 427 to 0 with 8 not voting since Fred Thompson had killed them.
Fred Thompson can swallow a pig and some wheat and crap a ham sandwich.
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor giant meteor will keep Fred Thompson from giving someone a needed whup'n.
Fred Thompson is so pro-American that when he places an ad in the New York Times, they charge him four times their normal rate.
Fred Thompson is not your "bro" and he is going to tase you.
Cross posted at Real Clear Politics here and Grizzly Groundswell here.
|