Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 7

In the midst of the nonsense still going on in the hallowed halls of Congress, with the Michael Vick animal atrocities, hurricanes, bridge collapses, floods--we need a break from the serious and so, it's time for the next installment of the Fred Thompson Funnies. As always, go visit Frank J. at IMAO. Enjoy! While you're visiting Frank, check out his other fun facts about other candidates..he doesn't disappoint!

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Fred Thompson's comprehensive education plan: Be smart or get a whup'n.

Knowing is half the battle. The other half? Fred Thompson.

It's a common belief that, no matter how well-trained, Fred Thompson will eventually snap and violently attack a pitbull. In reality, every time Fred Thompson has attacked a pit bull he's had a very good reason.

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Quotes from Sun Tzu's Art of War:

"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious."
"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
"If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?"

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Fred Thompson gets three scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.

Fred Thompson's fine Italian shoes are made from real Italians.

Every time Fred Thompson's PC crashes, Bill Gates calls him and apologizes.

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Ways to kill a vampire:

1. Sunlight.
2. Stake through the heart.
3. Tell Fred Thompson that the vampire called him a sissy.

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Four our of five dentists agree: You should avoid getting punched in the mouth by Fred Thompson. The fifth dentist hates you.

People say they never forget the first time they voted for Fred Thompson. For most people, it was at a voting booth.

The most commonly known English phrases worldwide are "Hello," "Thank you," and "Please don't hurt me, Fred Thompson!"

Cars should stop and look both ways for Fred Thompson before driving through a crosswalk.

Harry Reid once got a black eye from a memory of Fred Thompson.

The lobby scene in The Matrix is loosely based on final poll results from Fred Thompson's reelection to the Senate.

Harry Reid was once beaten up by Fred Thompson's shadow.

Warning on cars' side view mirrors: "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, and if you can even glimpse Fred Thompson, you're already dead."

Fred Thompson promises that his foreign policy will be like a good action movie: Full of cool one-liners and explosions.

Fred Thompson can pickpocket a ninja.

Fred Thompson is dishwasher safe.

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Fred Thompson's wife Jeri Thompson has started to be the focus of more news coverage since she is very involved in the Fred Thompson campaign (well, word is it will officially be a "campaign" on September 5th), so I thought I'd do some research on her. Facts about her aren't as easy to come by as they are about Fred Thompson whose actions are stamped throughout history, but here is what I found:

JERI THOMPSON FACTS

* Jeri Thompson's favorite scented candles are ginger peach, cinnamon vanilla, and blood of her enemies.

* Jeri Thompson has been called a "trophy wife" just because she's pretty, but the other candidate's spouses never get called "honorable mention wives." Double standard!

* Jeri Thompson appeared on the O'Reilly Factor in 1999. It's the only time in recorded history that O'Reilly didn't interrupt a guest.

* As a Republican strategist, her main contribution to the Republican Party was the "Don't Be a Bunch of Whiny Wusses" strategy. Unfortunately, that's fallen out of favor in recent years.

* Jeri Thompson always clearly states what she is thinking and doesn't expect someone else to infer her thoughts.

Okay; I made the last one up. No woman does that.

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New scientific theory gaining ground against evolution: Species turn into other species to try and hide from Fred Thompson.

The Death Star is loosely based on Fred Thompson.

You'd have to eat eight crowbars to get the amount of iron that's in one bowl of Fred Thompson.

When will Fred Thompson enter the race? The day after what from then on will be known as Fred Thompson Eve.

One day Fred Thompson went to Vegas with only one dollar in his wallet. After three hands of blackjack, he owned the entire city.

Greek mythology suggests that Fred Thompson is the son of Zeus... or was it the other way
around?

During a brisk swim in the Atlantic, Fred Thompson once collided with an iceberg. No penguins survived.

To help Fred Thompson get to sleep, he has a white noise machine at his bedside. The settings on it are the ocean, a babbling brook, and the dying screams of his enemies.

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Newton's Three Laws of Physics:

1. Object's in motion tend to stay in motion.
2. For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Don't mess with Fred Thompson.

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Dogs do their best to act calm when around Fred Thompson since they know he can smell fear.